Taking the bully by the horns

School in denial over bullying - father

So this South African chick at Howick College was getting bullied to the point of threats to burn down her house and ensure her brother is killed. Her family meet with the school to try and find a solution - they suggest she spends her time in the library and say that apart from having a teacher following her around all day, there is nothing they can do.

The chick doesn't want to go to school and she isn't in zone for any other schools, so her parents send her back to South Africa to live with her grandparents. The NZ Herald runs the story, and stories start coming out of other instances of bullying at Howick College. One kid was beaten so hard his attacker broke hand bones - and his mother was intimidated while waiting in the car for her son. Another mother was told she may as well remove her daughter from Howick (which she did) as there was nothing the school could do.

I was bullied when in primary school and it sucks the big balls. Being a strong willed young lady, I complained to the authorities and a host of kids were called to the principles office to be told to lay offa me. I don't recall things getting worse after that, and anyway I found myself a friend (moving cities mid-year is a bitch). I do remember getting reports later that the principle had taken a "now guys, I'm sure nothing is going on but for forms sake I have to call you in here and try not to give this girl another reason to complain" stance.

A dear friend of mine was bullied mercilessly by (among others) two girls who have gone on to be successful and famous in a NZ sort of way - I'm not sure if this means that to be successful you must have a ruthless streak or that people can change and school-day bullies don't necessarily end up as psychopaths.

My comments on this story are two fold. The first is, what is happening to the bullies? For there to be bullied there must be bullies. I can't really talk about male bullies because females tend to target females and the passive aggressive backstabbing of female bullying is the only one I have experience with. While it may be less visible than the violence of male bullying, it can have even more devastating and long lasting impacts. For male bullies the maxim of bullies being overcompensating cowards may be true, but I don't think so for females.

It doesn't take much for a girl to decide not to like another girl, and being the new girl is T-O-U-G-H. It seems there is a switch which flips when a girl decides to hate, which disables any feelings of empathy, compassion, kindness or human decency with regards to the hated. Girls can be HORRIBLE to each other, but the sweetest in the world to their family and friends. Unfortunately, busting others down to make one feel better isn't a behaviour confined to schoolyard bullies. If the bullies can be identified, then serious attention needs to be given to them so they can grow out of this unfortunate phase.

I really feel for the girl in question and anyone else who is being bullied. However I'm a little unclear what the school could possibly do to try and stop bullies. It's not a new phenomenon by any means, it's not like Howick has an isolated problem that THEY must fix yesterday. As previously suggested, I believe that wherever a bully or bullies can be identified, they need serious attention to change their behaviours. However, much (female) bullying is by proxy - spreading stories, blacklisting, alienation, turning the victim's friends against them. Hard to catch, hard to prove, hard to stop.

I think the important thing to remember here is that bullying isn't just something that happens - it's something that a person or group of people DO to someone. There seem to be too many bullies out there for them all to be maladjusted sociopaths, so what's the deal? Bad parenting? Violent video games? Bad role models? The inevitable selfishness of youth?

If I had the answer I'd be rich. Bottom line is, don't bully anyone. That way you'll save all those people you might otherwise have bullied from a distressing fate. If you've got kids, talk to them about peer pressure and the way they interact with others, particularly people they don't like. If you don't have kids, good on you. That's one less potential bully!